You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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