So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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