Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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