She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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