I'd wear matching sweaters with you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
