be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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