I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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