Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
