I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
