are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
two words: eviction party
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
