He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
