I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
