I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
