Nicole vs. Life
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
smell my finger.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
