I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
