Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
