dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
