cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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