Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
