I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
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If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just gargled with NyQuil
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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