In the future we'll all be gay
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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