Ambien. No doubt about it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
