she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
