How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
4 words: hood of his car
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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