I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
