and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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