My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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