My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
