Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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