Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
