Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
