she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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