His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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