yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
