Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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