oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
