That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
