Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
