Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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