how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
