we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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