wanna go halves on a baby?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
