i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
