I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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