So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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