I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
