My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Randomize
