I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
