Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
