I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
