Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
