How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
