my vag is so smooth its legendary
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
