You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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