Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
