I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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