I accidentally had phone sex last night
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
